Can-Do Reality Television

In the early days of reality television, it seemed the gimmick was mostly about drinking too much and provoking people to fight with show such as “Cops,” The Real World,” “Big Brother” and even more recently, “The Jersey Shore.”

“I can do that,” I would say to myself.  In fact, that’s pretty much how I spent college.

As I got a little older, reality television started to evolve. It became more about adult themes, such as home renovation, with shows like “This Old House,” “Trading Spaces,” “Flip This House,” “Flipping Out,” and “Designed to Sell,” “While You Were Out,” “Take Home Handyman” and “Over Your Head.”

“I can do that,” I would say to myself. At the very least, I could be the boneheaded husband who needs to be bailed out. I’ve been doing that for years with my dad.

Reality television then tackled food with shows like “Iron Chef,” “Top Chef,” “Chopped,” “The Next Food Network Star,” “Take Home Chef,” “Dinner Impossible” and “Best in Smoke.”

“I can do that,” I would say to myself. No one can question my authority on eating. Just give me a Weber grill, a secret ingredient and 20 minutes.

Of course, with all that eating, reality television was bound to discover weight loss with shows like “The Biggest Loser,” “Celebrity Fit Club,” “Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss,” “Food Revolution” and “Heavy.”

“I can do that,” I would say to myself. I once lost more than 60 pounds before finding a lot of it back. Point me toward the Lean Cuisine and a $250,000 prize.

Once everybody got fit, reality television found something for them to wear with fashion shows such as “Project Runway,” “Ambush Makeover,” and “What Not to Wear.”

“I can do that,” I would say to myself.  No one looks more outdated than me. Check out the black socks and sweatpants.

Lately, reality TV seems to be mostly about going into The Bayou and wrestling alligators, wild hogs and various other beasts with shows such as “Swamp Brothers,” “Swamp People,” “American Hoggers” and “Billy the Exterminator.”

I can do … oh, never mind, I better stick with the partying, painting, eating, exercising and shopping.

Fleeting Black Friday Friendships

The spirit of goodwill to your fellow man envelopes the holiday season … until it doesn’t anymore. At least that was the case on a chilly Thursday night / Friday morning as my 14-year-old son, Trent, and I braved the crowds for Black Friday, which is traditionally the biggest and busiest shopping day of the year.

Take the chipper employee outside the Target store as an example. He greeted us warmly on a cold night, promising a safe, fun time. He thanked us for coming and said how important we are to him. Then, without a hint of irony or humor, he added something like this, “Plus, we’ve got the police here and a lot of plastic handcuffs and if you step out of line in the least, we won’t hesitate to throw your butts in jail.”

With the admonition over and a two-hour wait ahead, Trent and I chatted with the older gentlemen in front of us and his presumed granddaughter. The man took such a liking to us that when he went for coffee he returned with a couple of cups for us, too, complete with sugar and cream. I was struck by his generosity

A short time later, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated by the liquid warmth, Trent and I hit the store with gusto, getting everything on our Black Friday list and then some. We left satisfied … and without plastic handcuffs. I thought of the man who had given us the coffee earlier, wondering aloud what happened to him.

“Oh, he reached for a cart, and I darted by him,” Trent said. “I mean I appreciated the coffee, but …”

Facing the Bridge Dilemma

I’ve become an activist. No, I haven’t joined the Occupy Wall Street movement. Instead, my dissent is directed at the Sherman Minton. In other words, I’m not worried about brokers. I’m worried about broken bridges.

An angry southern Indiana commuter

Having your life disrupted for months will do that to you, particularly when there’s no end in sight and seemingly no one cares about it as much as you do. While the Occupy Wall Street crowd has captured the country’s imagination, those of us concerned about the Sherman Minton bridge toil away in relative obscurity.

As a PR guy, I set out to change this. I figured the Sherman Minton movement needed an iconic image to energize it … a modern-day southern Indiana equivalent of the couple kissing in Times Square on VJ day. With my mission at hand, I grabbed cardboard from an old Coke case, a couple of Sharpies, a digital camera and my adventurous 14-year-old son. I carefully stenciled my message across the cardboard: “Will Work 4 Bridge.” I put on my suit, as if going to work, which isn’t so easy these days. Then we sought out the perfect backdrop, scouting multiple locations. My son shot several pictures of me with my sign, including some at the base of the bridge near the river and others a little closer to the inaction. Like all good counter-culture types, we operated in stealth mode, attracting very little attention.

The fruit if our labor is shown here. I think we’ve done a pretty fair job of capturing the frustration of my family and many fellow Hoosiers. Now, we’ll just have to wait for the celebrities and CNN to join us.

GameStop is a Battlefield

Earlier this week, I reluctantly went to a local GameStop at midnight and waited with my brothers in arms for the release of a first-person shooter videogame called Battlefield 3. No, I’m no fanboy, as the kids say, but my 14-year-old son is.

My mission was to get Battlefield 3 for him.

So there I stood, on a weekday night, far past my bedtime, waiting in line and swapping stories with everyone from wannabe soldiers in fake camouflage and Army helmets to real-life soldiers getting ready to be deployed to Afghanistan.

“Have you gotten Batman Arkham City yet?” my amped-up neighbor asks me, pointing to a box featuring a modern-day Batman with blood on his hands. Before I can answer, he adds, “It’s bad ass.” And that was the least of his expletives.

For me, Adam West was batman. He certainly didn’t have blood on his hands. However, hoping not to be discovered as a poser, I reply, “Not yet.”

It must have worked because my neighbor keeps talking … and talking. “You gonna play tonight?” he asks. Once again, he doesn’t wait for an answer.   “I’m not even going to play the story mode,” he says, “I’m going to collect some dog tags.”

Afraid to disclose that the last videogame I played was on an Atari, I listen intently and nod. He goes on to discuss the merits of other blood and guts video games, breezing easily across genres, from soldiers to superheroes and from cowboys to aliens.

My cover is safe.

I can hear two other guys – since there are only two girls in the whole store – arguing the merits of PlayStation 3 vs. Xbox.

Finally, it’s time to pick up my game. I show my ID as required, second-guessing whether this is appropriate for a 14-year-old. Before I decide, the clerk hands me my game and says cheerfully, “See you for Skyrim.”

That’s The Elder Scrolls V: Skryim for the uninitiated. It will be released later this year.

I nod in agreement to maintain my new found street cred, while secretly hoping I’m nowhere near GameStop when that one drops. Nevertheless, for a minute, I think I might want to try one of these new fangled videogames. Then the moment passes and I yearn for Space Invaders.

Doing My Home Work

By my count, it’s been 35 days of captivity in southern Indiana since the abrupt closing of the Sherman Minton bridge.

Thanks to an understanding employer, I’ve been fortunate to spend most of that time telecommuting rather than sitting in traffic. As a result, I’ve taken a crash course in the pros and cons of working from home. They include the following:

Pros

• No longer have to shower, shave, brush my teeth or even change my clothes … at least until they invent a smellaphone.
• Saved enough money on Diet Cokes alone to start a college fund, not to mention savings on gas, lunch and dry cleaning.
• Caught up on the lost episodes of “Matlock” and “In the Heat of the Night.”
• Private parking space.
• NO MORE BRIDGE TRAFFIC!

Cons

• Always have to answer home telephone in a professional manner, rather than with my Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.
• Onslaught of Medicare advertisements during daytime television (except for the Anthem ads, of course, which are lovely, and I’m not just saying that because I know the people who put them together).
• Trying to determine if fridge leftovers “are still good.”
• Miss arguing (I mean discussing) sports with the guy in the lunchroom.
• Attack of the telemarketers. (Where’s Tom Mabe when you need him?)

So it looks like a wash. However, based on my sophisticated weighting system, I’d say the pros outweigh the cons. Did I mention the bridges?

How about you? Have you ever worked from home? What pros and cons are on your list?