Sunday, September 15, 2013

Another UK Loss for the Ages

Although losing to rival by Louisville two touchdowns on their home field on Saturday, Kentucky football fans were quick to declare victory. This isn’t the first time the UK faithful have made the best of a bad situation. I did a little research and discovered the following:
  • Upon tasting New Coke, a UK fan declared that it would get better if people would only give it a few years.
  • After test driving a Segway, a UK fan immediately said cars had been “overrated.
  • A UK movie viewer who screened “The Lone Ranger” said producers had “shot themselves in the foot” by releasing it too early. He added it would’ve been a better film if they had waited a few more weeks to release it.
  • A UK information technology professor proclaimed that Windows 8 “is not as bad as everyone thought it would be.
Also, there were a few late developments following Saturday’s heroic UK loss.
  • UK Athletic Director Mitch Barnhardt renamed the highway outside of Commonwealth Stadium, formerly known as Hal Mumme Pass, to “Mark Stoops Dropped, But Almost Caught, Pass.”
  • Barnhardt said UK is likely to lose to U of L by even fewer points in future matchups. He calls this, “under promising and over delivering,” which keeps the fans satisfied until the next alumni basketball game.
  • Barnhardt cancelled Monday’s classes in honor of Saturday’s performance, including Internet classes, so “basketball players can celebrate, too. After all, they also lost to Louisville by fewer points than expected.”
Finally, a UK journalism professor who edited this blog post conceded that I had written better than could be expected given my poor training. He added, however, that Kentucky’s incoming freshman class could certainly do better.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Picture This: A Photo That Never Goes Away

The photo never goes away. It’s the Bennett family equivalent of such iconic images as the Beatles at Abbey Road or the soldier kissing the girl on Times Square. It arrives in my email when I least expect it as a reminder of summer’s past.

We were fresh from Kentucky Kingdom’s water park. I’m in the middle, wearing Cardinal gear as usual and carrying towels. My wife is carrying what looks like a Sponge Bob backpack. My oldest is to my right with an overbite that has long since been corrected. And my youngest rounds out the crew when he still looked, well, young.

As people left the park that day, a worker corralled us, snapped the photo and gave us a claim check. Somehow, in a moment of weakness, she must’ve captured my email address, too. So the picture arrives every so often with a reminder that it would make a great calendar or Christmas card or coffee mug.

As it turns out, the picture had a longer shelf life than the park, which has been shuttered for years. A local businessman is currently in the process of reopening it.

Regardless of the status of the park, the photo lives on. The company that captured the image just won’t give up, despite the fact that I’ve never spent a cent on it and never will. If park officials had run the whole thing as efficiently as the photo concession, then it probably would’ve never closed in the first place.

It’s clear to me that I should’ve unsubscribed from this email years ago. But now I can’t even imagine a future without the photo. Perhaps my ancestors will get a reminder via brainvision and make a nice t-shirt from it.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Danica Patrick Doppelganger

As Ive said before, my super power is being able to tell regular people which celebrity they most resemble. Occasionally, inspiration strikes even when I not trying. Such was the case recently when I was watching a celebrity edition of the Food Network show Chopped. As NASCAR driver Danica Patrick was hustling around the kitchen, I couldnt help but think that she reminded me of someone else. (Truthfully, I was also thinking how I wish shed invite me over for dinner, even though I'm sure my wife wouldnt let me go.) Anyway, it finally hit me ... Patrick looks like Zoe Barnes of “House of Cards, who is another woman known for her fast moves. Barnes is played by actress Kate Mara. Check out the pictures below and tell me that you dont agree that Patrick could play Maras stunt double.