Monday, March 27, 2017

Murder, He Wrote

My guilty pleasure is reality television. Lately, I’ve gravitated toward murder mysteries, such as Dateline, Snapped or the Investigation Discovery network. An unanticipated side effect of this is that I’ve effectively insulated myself against ever being the victim of foul play from a loved one. In the interest of public safety. I’ll now pass along tips gleaned from hours of viewing to keep you above ground when love goes south.

If something tastes odd, spit it out … immediately. I can’t tell you how many times in these shows I’ve seen someone poison their victim’s food and drink. The doctors always figure it out, but not until it’s too late. So here’s a pro tip: If you’re not getting along with your spouse, you should probably make your own ice tea.

If your loved one is spending hours alone on the Internet, you might want to check their search history. Oh sure, it could be innocent enough. Or it could be that he or she is searching “how to get rid of a body” or “deadly poison.”

Under no circumstances whatsoever should you ever invite a down-on-their-luck third party into your home. If reality TV is any indication, it’s just a matter of time before this person has an affair with your spouse and they conspire to kill you. As an aside, no one ever seems to pursue the far less deadly divorce option.

If you are asked to increase the value your life insurance policy to a ridiculous amount, don’t do it.  The beneficiary will likely wait two months, but certainly no longer, before killing you. As it turns out, patience isn’t a virtue when your spouse is determined to kill you and move to a beach house with your insurance proceeds.

If a friend or spouse seems overly eager to take you to some secluded location, such as hiking trail or a mountain top, take a pass. Secluded places are peaceful and beautiful. They also are great places to ditch a body.

Finally, if you hear that your spouse is telling others that he or she would “be better off without you,” then take their word for it. As it turns out, the murdering types aren’t particularly good at keeping secrets.