Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Crying Over Spilled Diet Coke

You can identify smokers not only by the smoke and the smell, but by other telltale signs, including nicotine stains and accidental burns on their belongings. Although I don’t smoke, I carry plenty of reminders of my addiction, too.

My stains are not from cigarettes; they’re from Diet Cokes. And they are not just unattractive. They can be sticky to boot.

I’ve made no secret of my love affair with Diet Cokes. I drink Diet Cokes like a person with a kidney infection drinks water. My favorites, by far, are fountain Diet Cokes. I love nearly everything about fountain Diet Cokes … the round ice, the long straw and the insulated cup that stays cold for hours. I even have a mental GPS of all gas stations in two states where I can get a giant fountain Diet Coke for less than a buck.

I’ve mastered nearly everything about the fountain Diet Coke, except one: the lid. Lids confound me. They never fit the cup. Every time I buy a fountain Diet Coke, whether at a gas station or a fast food restaurant, the lid is askew and poised to pop off like a button on Homer Simpson’s pants. It doesn’t even matter whether I put the lid on or someone else does the honors. It’s always teetering on the edge of disaster.

Engineers can design computers the size of postage stamps, but can’t seem to design a snug lid. Perhaps it’s too much to ask for 89 cents. As a result, I spend almost as much time spilling fountain Diet Cokes as I do drinking them. The evidence is everywhere, including drink holders, rugs, shirts, pants and even keyboards.

If you get too close to me, then I’m likely to spill one on you, too. So beware of the dangers of second-hand sipping.

No comments: