Anesthesia Loosens Tongue, But Not Teeth

I never saw my mom take a sip of alcohol, much less get drunk, but I recently got a pretty good feel for what that might look like.

Mom was in the hospital for surgery. They gave her a “little bit” of something to relax her. A short time later, the party began.

First, mom spoke a bit of gibberish. Then she regained her footing for a minute and started to make sense again, sort of. When the doctor entered the room, she promised she wouldn’t “monitor him too much” and would “just go along.” I’m sure he was quite relieved to know she wouldn’t be taking notes during surgery.

The doctor thanked her, looked at us, smiled and said, “They’ve given her some medicine.” No kidding. The best was yet to come.

Next, mom saw a diminutive male nurse. “Look at that little fellow,” she said, apparently mistaking him for a doctor. “He’s been in two or three surgeries already today, hasn’t he?” When “the little fellow” came to take mom back, we could barely contain ourselves. Thankfully, she was finished commenting on him, but not finished talking.

“I’m pretty relaxed now,” she told me, “except for my teeth.” I checked around for witnesses to that gem. Unfortunately, there were none.

Finally, they started rolling mom back to the operating room. We were worried. You could cut the tension with a knife … until mom looked back over her shoulder, smiled, waved and nonchalantly said, “toodle loo.”

There’s no telling what mom said next. Regardless, I heard enough to know she would be a lot of fun at a cocktail party.

Coke Museum's Approach is Refreshing

I recently visited the World of Coca-Cola Museum in Atlanta where I had the opportunity to taste sodas from around the world. Some of them were quite delicious, while others left a bad taste in my mouth.

I gravitated toward the sweetest concoctions, including South Africa’s Bibo Kiwi Mango, which reminded me of something I’d enjoy on the beach with a little rum, and Thailand’s Kiwi Apple, which reminded me of a Jolly Rancher.

In contrast, Italy’s “Beverly” reminded of something you’d use to get information from prisoners of war. No wonder they discontinued it.

Then there’s the most controversial of all Cokes ... New Coke. You couldn’t sample this ill-fated beverage at the museum, but you could learn about it in a small exhibit in the “Pop Culture” area. The exhibit detailed how a new formula for Coke had fared well in taste tests. Buoyed by this success, Coke decided to replace its old formula.

However, the backlash to New Coke was immediate and overwhelmingly negative. Protestors demanded the return of the original Coke formula. It wasn’t long before Coke executives obliged. For a while, they sold New Coke and “Classic” Coke together, before quietly brandishing New Coke to the brand graveyard.

Some accused Coke of a massive publicity stunt, but executives denied it, saying they were neither “that smart nor that dumb.” The exhibit included the statement that announced Classic Coke’s return, complete with editing marks.

Kudos to Coke for tackling its biggest blunder head on. In contrast, I’m told the College Football Hall of Fame once had an entire exhibit devoted to Ohio State Coach Wood Hayes with no mention that his career ended when he hit an opposing player.

I find Coke’s approach to be, umm, refreshing. Like it or not, New Coke is part of Coca-Cola’s history. I don’t remember New Coke’s taste, but I remember the incident. And I’m certain of this much: It couldn’t have been any worse than Beverly.

Another UK Loss for the Ages

Although losing to rival by Louisville two touchdowns on their home field on Saturday, Kentucky football fans were quick to declare victory. This isn’t the first time the UK faithful have made the best of a bad situation. I did a little research and discovered the following:

• Upon tasting New Coke, a UK fan declared that it would get better if people would only give it a few years.
• After test driving a Segway, a UK fan immediately said cars had been “overrated.”
• A UK movie viewer who screened “The Lone Ranger” said producers had “shot themselves in the foot” by releasing it too early. He added it would’ve been a better film if they had waited a few more weeks to release it.
• A UK information technology professor proclaimed that Windows 8 “is not as bad as everyone thought it would be.”

Also, there were a few late developments following Saturday’s heroic UK loss.

• UK Athletic Director Mitch Barnhardt renamed the highway outside of Commonwealth Stadium, formerly known as Hal Mumme Pass, to “Mark Stoops Dropped, But Almost Caught, Pass.”
• Barnhardt said UK is likely to lose to U of L by even fewer points in future matchups. He calls this, “under promising and over delivering,” which keeps the fans satisfied until the next alumni basketball game.
• Barnhardt cancelled Monday’s classes in honor of Saturday’s performance, including Internet classes, so “basketball players can celebrate, too. After all, they also lost to Louisville by fewer points than expected.”

Finally, a UK journalism professor who edited this blog post conceded that I had written better than could be expected given my poor training. He added, however, that Kentucky’s incoming freshman class could certainly do better.

Picture This: A Photo That Never Goes Away

The photo never goes away. It’s the Bennett family equivalent of such iconic images as the Beatles at Abbey Road or the soldier kissing the girl on Times Square. It arrives in my email when I least expect it as a reminder of summer’s past.

We were fresh from Kentucky Kingdom’s water park. I’m in the middle, wearing Cardinal gear as usual and carrying towels. My wife is carrying what looks like a Sponge Bob backpack. My oldest is to my right with an overbite that has long since been corrected. And my youngest rounds out the crew when he still looked, well, young.

As people left the park that day, a worker corralled us, snapped the photo and gave us a claim check. Somehow, in a moment of weakness, she must’ve captured my email address, too. So the picture arrives every so often with a reminder that it would make a great calendar or Christmas card or coffee mug.

As it turns out, the picture had a longer shelf life than the park, which has been shuttered for years. A local businessman is currently in the process of reopening it.

Regardless of the status of the park, the photo lives on. The company that captured the image just won’t give up, despite the fact that I’ve never spent a cent on it and never will. If park officials had run the whole thing as efficiently as the photo concession, then it probably would’ve never closed in the first place.

It’s clear to me that I should’ve unsubscribed from this email years ago. But now I can’t even imagine a future without the photo. Perhaps my ancestors will get a reminder via brainvision and make a nice t-shirt from it.

Danica Patrick Doppelganger

As I’ve said before, my super power is being able to tell regular people which celebrity they most resemble. Occasionally, inspiration strikes even when I not trying. Such was the case recently when I was watching a celebrity edition of the Food Network show “Chopped.” As NASCAR driver Danica Patrick was hustling around the kitchen, I couldn’t help but think that she reminded me of someone else. (Truthfully, I was also thinking how I wish she’d invite me over for dinner, even though I'm sure my wife wouldn’t let me go.) Anyway, it finally hit me ... Patrick looks like Zoe Barnes of “House of Cards,” who is another woman known for her fast moves. Barnes is played by actress Kate Mara. Check out the pictures below and tell me that you don’t agree that Patrick could play Mara’s stunt double.