Murder, He Wrote

My guilty pleasure is reality television. Lately, I’ve gravitated toward murder mysteries, such as Dateline, Snapped or the Investigation Discovery network. An unanticipated side effect of this is that I’ve effectively insulated myself against ever being the victim of foul play from a loved one. In the interest of public safety. I’ll now pass along tips gleaned from hours of viewing to keep you above ground when love goes south.

If something tastes odd, spit it out … immediately. I can’t tell you how many times in these shows I’ve seen someone poison their victim’s food and drink. The doctors always figure it out, but not until it’s too late. So here’s a pro tip: If you’re not getting along with your spouse, you should probably make your own ice tea.

If your loved one is spending hours alone on the Internet, you might want to check their search history. Oh sure, it could be innocent enough. Or it could be that he or she is searching “how to get rid of a body” or “deadly poison.”

Under no circumstances whatsoever should you ever invite a down-on-their-luck third party into your home. If reality TV is any indication, it’s just a matter of time before this person has an affair with your spouse and they conspire to kill you. As an aside, no one ever seems to pursue the far less deadly divorce option.

If you are asked to increase the value your life insurance policy to a ridiculous amount, don’t do it.  The beneficiary will likely wait two months, but certainly no longer, before killing you. As it turns out, patience isn’t a virtue when your spouse is determined to kill you and move to a beach house with your insurance proceeds.

If a friend or spouse seems overly eager to take you to some secluded location, such as hiking trail or a mountain top, take a pass. Secluded places are peaceful and beautiful. They also are great places to ditch a body.

Finally, if you hear that your spouse is telling others that he or she would “be better off without you,” then take their word for it. As it turns out, the murdering types aren’t particularly good at keeping secrets.

Go West for Nation's Best Fast Food Burger

I’ve done a fair amount of traveling over the years in my various jobs. And during that time, I’ve eaten a fair number of hamburgers. I haven’t done this for my own pleasure, mind you, but simply for scientific purposes. I did it for you. Because of my work, you won’t ever have to waste precious calories on a subpar burger.

You’re welcome.

So now, without further ado, I am releasing the results of my extensive studies. Following are the top five burgers from coast to coast, starting straight from the top.

1). In and Out Burger. This is the easiest choice by far. This west coast institution is unparalleled. It offers the freshest, best-tasting, lowest-cost burger available. When I first went to In and Out, I was jarred by its simplicity. This is not a place for chicken or fish sandwiches. They only do burgers. But when you do burgers this well, you don’t have to do anything else. When traveling to Los Angeles, I’ve been known to make In and Out my first stop when leaving the airport or my last stop when returning. I take pictures to savor the experience. If I were a poet, I would write an ode to In and Out.

2). Culver’s Restaurant. It gets a little crowded after number one, in my opinion, but I’m giving Culver’s and its butterburger (so called because the bun is dipped in butter and lightly grilled) the nod here. Freshness is again the differentiator with each burger made to order.  Plus, as a bow to Culvers’ Wisconsin roots, you can order cheese curds as a side instead of French fries. What’s not to like about fried cheese?

3). Steak ’n Shake. Although it might not seem like it if you order a milkshake, I’m assuming Steak ’n Shake qualifies as fast food. After all, it has a drive-thru window. Steak ’n Shake’s original steakburger is smashed thin, which makes the edges nice and crispy. Add cheese, onions, mustard and some shoestring fries and you’re in business. Steak ’n Shake’s burgers also score very high on the value scale.

4). Five Guys. I include Five Guys mostly from a sense of obligation. Everyone seems to love Five Guys. Sure, the burgers are good. That’s a given. For me though, I find the double burger and sack overflowing with fries all to be just a bit much. After I eat at Five Guys, I don’t want another hamburger for a month. Five Guys is the artery clogger among artery cloggers. It’s also the most expensive or this group.

5). Sonic. Perhaps it’s human nature to yearn most for that which we cannot have, which explains my odd affinity for Sonic. Most Sonic restaurants near me have closed over time. As a result, whenever I see one on the road, I’m drawn to pull over.  Sonic does a good, honest burger at a fair price. I particularly like the freshness of the bun. Plus, you can order tater tots as a side, which is a nice change of pace and a pleasant reminder of childhood.

That’s my list of the nation’s best fast food burgers with a couple of caveats. First, even though I have been to New York repeatedly, I somehow never sampled Shake Shack so I can’t speak to its quality, although I know it has many devotees. Second, if I were forced to pick from only the large national chains, Wendy’s wins hands down. Finally, if we include dives as well as chains, then Reno’s Little Nugget Diner tops the list. It is home of the “awful awful” burger, so-called because it is both awful big and awful good.

How about you? Do you agree with my list? Would you choose a different order? Do you prefer others?

Tales from a Colonoscopy Rookie

The prep is the worst part.

That’s what smug colonoscopy veterans tell you. They say it with assurance, like a chef cooking something exotic tells diners “it tastes just like chicken.”

I’m no fan of frog legs and I’m thinking I’ll like a colonoscopy even less.  Still, I’m 51 with a family history of colon cancer. I’m technically past due. So I reluctantly schedule the procedure. It’s now the night before and I keep repeating, “the prep is the worst part.”

I was surprised I could buy everything I needed for the prep over the counter, including beef broth, Jell-O, Dulcolax, Miralax, Gatorade (other than purple or red) and baby wipes. As I check out, the clerk looks at me like I must be planning some party.

On prep day, I eat nothing more than beef broth and Jell-O. That’s just as delicious as it sounds. But, as we know by now, the worst is yet to come. As evening sets in, I take two Dulcolax tablets. Then I mix a whole bottle of Miralax into two giant bottles of Gatorade, which I spend the next several hours drinking. I cap it all off with a couple more Dulcolax tablets. For the rest of the night, I wear out a path in the carpet between the couch and the bathroom. My family knows to steer clear. My wife shares her sympathy … and some baby wipes.

It isn’t pleasant. It isn’t supposed to be. This is the alleged worst part.

Sometime after midnight my stomach finally starts to settle down.  I fall asleep and doze peacefully, except for a dream where I soil myself. I wake up and double check. Thankfully, it was only a dream brought on by the evening’s stressors.

The next morning I’m still nervous. I’m second guessing things. I’m starting to think that I’ve been sold a bill of goods about this colonoscopy thing. The prep isn’t the worst part. The camera up the backside has to be the worst part. The nurse at Medical Center East senses my anxiety. She reassures me. The prep is over. The IV is in. The rest is easy, she says.

Of course, she’d say this. She’s in on it like the rest of them.

But there’s no turning around now. I’ve already told the anesthesiologist about my allergies and I’m being rolled away to the room where the procedure will take place. I keep my doubts to myself and turn onto my side as directed like a good soldier. I’m eased off to sleep. Less than 30 minutes later, I wake up back where I started. The doctor has shared good news with my wife. Everything went well. No polyps. No cancer. I won’t have to do this again for 10 years.

I am relieved, of course. But more importantly, the experience gives me a strange sense of purpose. It endows me with an important message I must share with those who follow. I feel compelled to sit down at my keyboard as soon as possible and pass my wisdom along to the public. To wait even a day more, would be nothing short of dereliction of my duty to humanity. So here goes dear people: The prep is the worst part.

Snider is Star vs. UK, but Others Shine Bright, Too

Hometown hero Quentin Snider, a junior point guard from Ballard, was the star of stars in Louisville’s 73-70 victory over rival Kentucky in the KFC Yum Center Wednesday night, but there was plenty of praise to spread around.

Snider was the undisputed game MVP with 22 points, six rebounds and five assists, but he had plenty of help, too. It seemed nearly everyone who hit the hardwood for the Cards made some kind of contribution to the much-needed victory.

Let’s start with Deng Adel. Adel saved his best game for the biggest stage with 18 points and six rebounds against UK, including six of six from the free throw line. Both Adel and Snider played all but three minutes, underscoring both their effort and importance to the victory. Much of that time, Adel was harassing the Wildcats’ best player, Malik Monk, into shooting just one of nine from the three-point line after 47 points against North Carolina. If not for Snider’s heroics, Adel would’ve been the headline from this game.

Big man Jaylen Johnson continued to showcase his off-season improvement with 14 points and six rebounds, including a couple of thunderous dunks (although not nearly as thunderous as Bam Adebayo’s rim rattlers). However, Johnson’s biggest play of the game was of the softer variety via a nifty reverse put back of Donovan Mitchell’s miss with only 11 seconds left, giving the Cards a four-point lead.

Speaking of Mitchell, it simply was not his best game. He picked up two early offensive fouls that limited his effectiveness. Mitchell shot only three of 12 from the field and missed an open three-pointer with just over two minutes left and U of L leading by four that might’ve blown the game wide open. He soon redeemed himself by coolly delivering two clutch free throws with nine seconds left to give U of L a three-point margin, meaning the Wildcats had to shoot from deep on their final possession. They missed, but credit UK Coach John Calipari for getting Monk an uncomfortably good look there.

On that last shot, walk-on David Levitch, of all people, had his hand in Monk’s face. Levitch also drew Monk’s second foul earlier in the game, causing the Kentucky sharpshooter to miss a large chunk of the first half. On the flip side, Levitch missed two free throws. Because of those misses, I was surprised Cards’ Coach Rick Pitino went back to him late.

While we’re talking about freebies, how about Ray Spaulding of Trinity shooting four of four from the stripe? Sure, a couple danced around the rim, but they went in and were desperately needed in a game where every point counted. Spaulding probably would’ve been even more impactful if not for foul trouble.

Two other U of L big men contributed without even scoring. Mangok Mathiang grabbed five rebounds, but his biggest play came when he blocked De'Aaron Fox’s runner with just over six minutes left and Louisville clinging to a two-point lead. Anas Mahmoud grabbed a key offensive rebound with 3:42 left, tossing it to Adel before falling out of bounds. Adel then found Johnson for a big dunk and a four-point Cardinal lead.

Tony Hicks and V.J. King both played in the rivalry for the first time. Neither made much of a mark other than giving the starters a rest. They have better days ahead. However, this night belonged to Snider … with a lot of help from his friends.

Having a Ball -- and a Fall -- on Bowling Night

If you’re my age, you probably remember Mars Blackmon’s refrain from the popular Nike ads. “It’s gotta be da shoes,” screamed Blackmon, aka Spike Lee. When it came to my near catastrophe at the bowling alley this week, Blackmon was right. It was definitely da shoes.

I bowl once a week in a men’s league.  I have a pretty regular ritual. So regular, in fact, that it’s damn near rote at this point. I sit down, lace up my bowling shoes, polish my bowling ball, place it on the rack, pay the team captain and wait for practice to start.

But this week, my routine was interrupted with disastrous consequences. I spotted a friend from work on the next lane. I was eager to chat with him. So I started cleaning my bowling ball as we caught up. When we were finished talking, I put the ball on the rack, paid the captain and waited for practice to start. See anything missing?

Because it was cold outside, I wore blue jeans to bowling – instead of shorts – for the first time this year. For some reason, I was oddly concerned that I might trip over my pant leg. So, as I stumbled on my first practice ball, I blamed the jeans. Then, on my second practice ball, the stumble turned into an all-out, head-first sprawl onto the lanes. That’s right. I dived onto the oil with all the gusto of Pete Rose into third base with a full audience of bowlers watching.

I scrambled to my feet, took inventory of any personal injury (thankfully, the only bruises were to my ego) and sat down in the same seat where I had sat just moments before so blissfully ignorant of what was to come. I was still trying to figure out exactly what had happened when the team captain came to check on me. He pointed to my shoes. They were sneakers … not bowling shoes. Bowling shoes slide. Sneakers stick. When sneakers stick, you fall … hard.

So Mars was right. It was not da jeans. It was da shoes.

But don’t feel sorry for me. This story has an unexpected happy ending (besides survival). After such an inauspicious beginning, I ended up bowling my best series ever … about 650 actual. Perhaps I concentrated better knowing I’d have to do something to redeem myself. Or maybe I was just lucky. Either way, I’m thinking of taking another header this week … just in case.

Larry David Loves This Idea ... In My Dreams

I happen to think Larry David, co-creator of Seinfeld and creator and star of Curb Your Enthusiasm, is the funniest person alive so maybe it’s not all that odd that the comedian recently made a guest appearance in one of my dreams.

Dream Larry lived next door to me. We visited each other regularly. I talked with Dream Larry in great depth about his career and his creative process. He was perfectly accommodating and lovely. In other words, he was nothing like Real-Life Larry.

On one visit, Dream Larry and I could barely hear each other because of the abrasive licks of a heavy metal band practicing outside the widow.  We agreed it was repulsive and a blight on the entire neighborhood. The next time I saw Dream Larry I asked him if he had done anything to address the repulsive metal band problem. He said yes. He had signed them to a recording contract. We both laughed uproariously. I told him this would make a great plot for a future Curb episode. Dream Larry agreed.

So Real-Life Larry, if you’re out there, feel free to borrow that hilarious anecdote for a future episode. I’m not holding my breath though. Unfortunately, Dream Larry also told me he wouldn’t be doing any more episodes of Curb.

Deciphering the Lingo of Little League

My son just finished his final Little League baseball season. During his time, I cracked the code of Little League lingo. As we move on to other things, I thought I’d pass these secrets onto future generations of Little League parents. So, without further ado, this is what Little League parents and coaches say followed by what they really mean.

“Just like in the cage” means “you’re not hitting it like in the cage.”

“Have fun out there” means “we’re losing and that’s not fun for me.”

“Keep your head on it” means “this is the one piece of advice everyone else gives when you’re not hitting it … and you’re not hitting it.”

“Move back in the box” means “this pitcher is throwing too damn hard for you to hit it.”

“Wait on it” means either “this pitcher is throwing too damn slow for you to hit it” or “this pitcher throws a curve ball, which you probably won’t hit.”

“Just you and the mitt” means “you’re not throwing strikes.”

“Let’s go buddy,” means “you’ve been my kid’s teammate for two years now and I still can’t seem to remember your name.”

“Let’s go 23,” means “I still can’t remember your name.”

“@&%$!” means “the umpire says dad has to watch the rest of the game from that hill."

And, finally, “Let’s get some ice cream” means “we just lost.”

How about other Little League parents? Have you picked up any lingo?

Giving It the Old College Try

It appears Trent has picked his college, ending our yearlong search. Along the way, we heard so many pitches they began to sound alike. They all went something like this:

• Look at these gorgeous trees and buildings. Our campus is a regular oasis in the city or located in a quaint community far from big-city hassles.

• Our weather is beautiful. It’s warm year round and it never rains. Or, in the alternative, our weather is not as bad as they say and the brutal winter / blazing summer is only for a few months anyway.

• We have more clubs than a community of cave dwellers. You can join the Men Enjoying Meat or the Women Vegetarians. Like Harry Potter? Did you know we have a world-class quidditch club here?

• And speaking of teams, did I mention that we have the best football / baseball / basketball / field hockey team in the Midwestern / Central / Eastern athletic conference?

• Our class size is smaller than a knat’s behind here. You might actually get to ask a professor a question sometime. And we certainly don’t use as many of those God-darned teaching assistants as the other guys.

• Take a look at these pictures of famous people who once went here. If you want to win a Nobel or Pulitzer Prize / go to the moon / act in a sitcom / be a senator or president, then you should come here, too.

• We’re diverse. In fact, I dare you to look at this picture that was taken spontaneously on our campus and find one lifestyle / nationality / race that is not represented.

Many made the pitch, but it looks like IUPUI made it best.

A Prince of a Show

As a young man growing up in the 80s, I enjoyed Prince’s music, but never really had a desire to see him in concert. That hadn’t changed much over the years, particularly as I heard of some of his antics in live shows, such as keeping the lights down, espousing his political views, refusing to play his hits, leaving early, etc.

 

But Prince is Prince. He is one of our few remaining pop icons. So when tickets were sold for shows in Louisville, I decided to give it a shot.

 

Prince rewarded us Sunday night with his best behavior during the third of his four intimate “pop-up” events at the Louisville Palace over the weekend. The result was one of the finest nights of entertainment I’ve ever enjoyed. Decked all in purple, Prince sang and danced like the Prince of old. He played his hits, but with a little different flavor, making them familiar, yet fresh, starting with “Let’s Go Crazy.” And perhaps most surprising, at least to me, he genuinely seemed to enjoy himself and the audience.

 

Prince frequently invited the audience to sing along, even bringing one lucky member on stage. He weaved Kentucky references into his songs. He shouted with glee to the balcony. In short, he was the ultimate showman.

 

Prince was also playful. He updated the lyric in “Kiss” to “You don’t have to watch ‘Love and Hip Hop’ to Have an Attitude.” Midway through the set, he joked he’d like to continue, but “he’d run out of hits,” perhaps lampooning himself. Of course, he hadn’t … and the hits kept coming, well into the night, until the very last note of Purple Rain.

 

This show was a homecoming for Prince’s drummer, Louisville native Hannah Ford of 3RDEYEGIRL. She definitely put her stamp on it, flailing away at the drums like a pop version of Keith Moon. It all added up to one great night of power pop and funk without the moralizing or any other hint of Prince’s peccadillos.

Mathiang Exorcises Demons with Unlikey Jumper

Every fan base has moments where it felt its team was snakebit, but it seems like University of Louisville fans have had more than their fair share.

Mango Mathiang lifts Louisville

I first felt the sting in 1981 when U.S. Reed hit a half-court shot at the buzzer to send my beloved Cards packing from the NCAA tournament. I’ve felt it again many times since in nearly every sport.
 

Sure, there have been monumental wins that any fanbase would be lucky to have: NCAA championships (men’s basketball), championship games (women’s basketball and soccer), Final Fours, Sweet 16s, BCS bowl wins and College World Series appearances. But there also has been a lot of pain. 

Here’s just a few of the agonizing moments that I remember:

• After coughing up a big lead, a marginal foul call at the buzzer gives Kentucky’s Patrick Sparks the three free throws UK needs to beat the Cards.
• With the football team in control and well on its way to a key win at West Virginia, the Cards injure the Mountaineers’ starting quarterback. Enter Pat White who literally runs wild, leading WVU all the way back to victory.
• With Louisville in a rock fight against Morehead State in the NCAA basketball tournament, the Cards best player and emotional leader, Preston Knowles, is hurt and Morehead advances.
• With Louisville football about to tack on another touchdown to an already big lead over Central Florida, the ball is fumbled through the end zone, resulting in a touchback. The Knights rally and take the Cards’ BCS bid.
   

You get the picture … and I haven’t even talked about fake fair catches and second chance field goals.
 

I say all of this to give some perspective on what happened Saturday night at the Yum Center when Mango Mathiang hit an unlikely jump shot with just over two seconds left to lift Louisville past second-ranked Virginia. U of L Head Coach Rick Pitino joked that Mathiang was the 64th option on the plan, having missed 15 of his last 16 shots, most of them coming from much closer to the basket than Saturday’s game winner.

 

In the world of the unlikely, this ranked right up there with the best of them. Karma, which had taven away so much, finally had given some back.
 

On that fateful possession, Virginia Coach Tony Bennett did his job. He blanketed the Cards’ biggest threats, Terry Rozier and Montrezl Harrell. He even took away their secondary options, Wayne Blackshear and Quentin Snider. If you told Bennett before the game that his team’s fortunes would rest on Mathiang making a contested shot from 15 feet, he surely would’ve taken you up on it.
 

Not this time. Mathiang channeled his inner U.S. Reed, exorcising a few (but not all) demons in the process. Now, for the moment, it’s the Cavaliers’ fans who are surely cursing their bad luck. I know exactly how they feel.
 

How about you? What snakebit moments do you remember?

Remembering First Concerts

My 12-year-old son recently attended his first real rock concert, which got me thinking about this important rite of passage.

 

First concerts stick with you forever, whether they’re good or not. Trust me.

 

Fortunately for Clark, his first concert was a good one. He got to see the Eagles. People will be listening to Hotel California when they’re commuting to work in flying cars.

 

Trent, my oldest, did as well, if not better, than Clark. His first real concert was the legendary Paul McCartney of the even more legendary Beatles. The Beatles have inspired tribute bands, festivals and Las Vegas shows. Their legacy ain’t going away.

 

Tommy Tutone. Don't judge me.

And my first real concert? It was none other than Tommy Tutone. You probably don’t recognize his name, but chances are you remember his catchy song, “Jenny, Jenny.” Now you know why I shutdown whenever people discuss their first concerts, whether in an ice breaker or over a few beers. It was the 80s. Try not to judge me.

 

As I remember, people started hollering “Jenny, Jenny” from the moment Tutone took the stage. The longer he delayed; the more impatient they became. Finally, in an attempt to tame the restlessness, Tutone pledged, “We’ll play all the hits.” Problem is he had but one. He probably should’ve been playing it on a loop, including country, reggae and hip hop versions.

 

Bet Paul McCartney never had that problem.

 

How about you? Was your first concert a classic rocker or a classic one-hit wonder?

An Enjoyable Trip through the Galaxy

Even though I grew up with the campiest Batman ever, I actually prefer it when my superheroes play it straight.

That’s the reason I wasn’t too excited for Guardians of the Galaxy. Based on the previews, it looked like they played it for laughs. Maybe that’s the way you market a movie where one of your leads is a talking raccoon.

Michael Rooker steals scenes as Yondu

And there are plenty of laughs in Guardians of the Galaxy. But don’t get fooled by the trailer. The movie actually treats its characters as seriously as a Spiderman or Batman flick with an actual plot and actual character development.

In fact, if I were to compare Guardians of the Galaxy to another movie, I’d compare it to early Star Wars. You’ve got a renegade, self-important and reluctant hero who bounds around the galaxy with a group of misfits that look like they came straight from the Star Wars cantina scene. Then there’s a huge, impenetrable, enemy battleship to be breeched. Sound familiar? Maybe George Lucas ought to get his attorneys on the phone.

Nevertheless I enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy. The special effects are fresh and interesting, especially the way Groot’s powers are interpreted. There is also a magical arrow shot that would’ve made William Tell envious.

The cast was terrific, including Chris Pratt playing the lead, Star-Lord, with just the right amount of swagger mixed with self-doubt. Michael Rooker of The Walking Dead steals his scenes as Yondu. And, of course, you can never go wrong with a Stan Lee cameo.