What Marquis Really Meant

Today, Marquis Teague, a highly prized basketball recruit from Indianapolis, spurned my beloved Louisville Cardinals for our archrival, the villainous Kentucky Wildcats. Some say this happened only after Teague received a phone call on Kentucky’s behalf from none other than NBA superstar Lebron James.

Following are some of Teague’s actual comments along with my interpretation of what he really meant.

Marquis said: “It's been real tough. It's tough to tell coach Pitino no."

Marquis meant: “It’s even harder to tell Ben Franklin no.”

Marquis said: “I had people from Louisville and Kentucky saying things about each other’s school. It was pretty crazy, I really didn't think it would get like that.”

Marquis meant: “I was surprised UK fans could operate computers.”

Marquis said: “I heard that … the LeBron thing and I was like 'Dang I didn't even know he called me so how did anyone else know.' But that would have been pretty cool if he had called.”

Marquis meant: “UK’s compliance department has asked me not to talk about that.”

Marquis said: “I’ll tell him (Pitino) thank you for recruiting me and I love you and your family. I would have loved to have played for you, but I had to do what was best for me.”

Marquis meant: “Have you seen my blue Porsche?”

Marquis said: “I told Coach Calipari yesterday that I wanted to commit to him. I haven't talked to him today yet. I just said I wanted to be a Wildcat. It’s what I was comfortable with.”

Marquis meant: “Wonder if Cal needs his MasterCard back?”

Marquis said: “You see what Derrick Rose, Tyreke Evans and John Wall did and Brandon Knight is a great point guard coming in. … He has had some great point guards.”

Marquis meant: “I don’t care much for that coaching stuff.”

Marquis said: “It has been really hard the past few days, a lot of phone calls and a lot of things that were going on. It was neck-and-neck and I really didn't want to tell either one of them no. But now I am glad it's over."

Marquis meant: “They can’t get my phone records, can they? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that Lebron James stuff.”

Marquis said: “My dad liked Louisville a lot, but my mother liked Kentucky a lot.”

Marquis meant: “My dad is a good man; my mama is loco.”

Marquis said: “I almost committed to Louisville twice but that just shows what coach Cal can do. It means coach Cal is a great coach and a great man to change my mind like that.”

Marquis meant: It’s time for me to go. Lebron James is waiting for me on my private yacht, the U.S.S. Rupp.”