Don’t DARE Go There

New Year’s Eve has been a lot more subdued at my house since D.A.R.E. moved in.

D.A.R.E. is short for Drug Abuse Resistance Education. It’s a police officer-led classroom program that teaches kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Both my children have been through the D.A.R.E. program. They are fully indoctrinated.

That’s a good thing, of course, unless you’re planning to order a drink with dinner, as I discovered during a recent family outing.

The purpose of the evening was to celebrate the end of our dispute with State Farm. Feeling celebratory, I ordered a Blue Moon. The festive mood soon vanished, however, as I found myself facing charges of being a drug user.

It went something like this.

The waiter delivers a refreshing Blue Moon, complete with an orange slice. I take a satisfying sip.
Clark, my 6-year-old son, intervenes. “Daddy, do you know what that is?” he asks.
Eager to hear the reply, I say, “No, what is it?”
Clark says defiantly, “That’s drugs.”

I immediately imagine Clark telling his kindergarten teacher how his dad does drugs, followed shortly thereafter with a visit from social services. Trying to head this off, I explain to Clark that alcohol isn’t really a drug and dad doesn’t really drink much anyway.

I’m in the clear until the second DARE junior officer, Trent, my 12-year-old, weighs in with, “Dad, you drank a martini (really a margarita) at the Great Wolfe Lodge and you also had a drink on New Year’s Eve.” At this point, I realize Trent must be keeping a spreadsheet of my alcohol use, which we’ll be discussing in future therapy sessions.

Kim, my wife, who ordered a sweet tea, seems delighted with the whole conversation.

Finally, I’m able to change the subject and finish dinner without further incident. I even managed to slip in a second beer, which is important since I probably won’t be able to order another one for months. After all, it’s all being thoroughly documented.

My only saving grace through this episode is that I don’t smoke, meaning the kids will have to save that lecture for their grandmother.

Even with such inquisitions, I think the D.A.R.E. officers are doing a great job. I congratulate them. I just hope they’re available to watch the kids on New Year’s Eve.