Vacation Brings Travel Travails

I just returned from a family road trip to Myrtle Beach, S.C. As usual, I have some important revelations to share from my travels. You might call them travel travails. They are as follows:

• There’s no cut-off age for getting those red or pink streaks in your hair. Your grandma used to have blue hair. Now she has blue hair with red streaks.
• If someone tells you to drive a Jet Ski faster to get better control, ignore them. It’s not true. You are only going to crash … and faster.
• If you are at any restaurant at Myrtle Beach, save yourself some time and order the crab cakes. Don’t even bother looking at the menu. Better yet, don’t ever leave the Noizy Oyster.
• If you are going to Pigeon Forge, Tenn., (our happy halfway point) always make hotel reservations. It doesn’t matter if you are arriving at noon on Monday. Make reservations. That mind-reading pig must be very popular.
• A frightening number of babies are wearing mohawks. Why do they make such daring hairstyle choices at such a young age?
• If you complain about your room, you’ll always get a better one. I was one grievance away from the Penthouse at Paradise Resort.
• Some jack ass with horrible hand/eye coordination is always going to hit you with a wet football at the pool.
• If you’re near the beach and someone tells you to go fly a kite, then you should do it. Really. It’s fun.
• If your wife asks if you are too tired to drive, then she is the one who is actually tired … tired of the way you’re driving.
• If you accidentally run a red light, your kid isn’t going to let you hear the end of it, particularly if you dumped him off a Jet Ski  … twice.

Lessons from the Bahamas

My family traveled to the Bahamas over Thanksgiving to watch the University of Louisville play in the Battle 4 Atlantis basketball tournament and to enjoy some winter warmth. Here are a few things we learned during our trip.

Leap of Faith or Atomic Wedgie?

• Southwest Airlines “can’t control the weather.” At least that’s what they told me ad nauseam after I missed connections because of fog in St. Louis. I’m still trying to figure out what fog in St. Louis had to do with either Louisville or Fort Lauderdale.
• A $12 mango daiquiri is good, but not $12 worth (with tip) of good.
• Forget Chris, everybody hates Duke. My U of L gear always evoked a refrain from fans of other schools of “Beat Duke.” Wish we could have.
• Treat yourself to the grouper at Twin Brothers, even if you have to go outside to find the restroom.
• Senior Cardinal guard Peyton Siva is not only a terrific player, but an outstanding leader. When I peeked underneath the bleachers at halftime of the championship game against Duke and saw him bring the team together for a players’ only huddle, I knew the Cardinals were going to make a run at it, which they did.
• Get your bearings before you get on the rapids / wave attraction at Atlantis or you may get trapped in some kind of time space warp.
• Before the season, I figured Gorgui Dieng was the player the Cardinals could least afford to lose. That’s before I knew of the talents of Montrezl Harrell and the heart of Steven Van Treese. Van Treese’s story is particularly compelling. If Rick Pitino had had his way, Van Treese would’ve been playing for Division II Bellarmine instead of going toe to toe with Duke’s Mason Plumlee in a battle of top five teams.
• They ought to change the name of the “Leap of Faith” to the “Atomic Wedgie.”
• VCU fans are fervent. I particularly enjoyed the big guy with ram horns and cape, although I don’t think he possessed any actual super powers.
• When cars drive on the wrong side of the road, you’re never sure whether they’re coming or going. Just to be safe, apply “look both ways” liberally.
• Sometimes it’s a good thing when you can’t find the Big East Network. (Think football).
• Heed the wave warnings. Those things hit like Michael Bush.
• The only thing in the Bahamas with bolder and more unpredictable moves than Russ Smith is a Bahamian taxi driver.
• Just because you can charge everything to a room key, doesn’t mean you have to. Otherwise, you might order a second $12 daiquiri.

Travel Gone to the Dogs

Travel has gone to the dogs.

I recently took a flight to southern California and there were not one, but two dogs on board. They might have been terrific traveling companions for their owners, but not so much for a guy like me, who is allergic to dogs. In other words, my ideal seatmate doesn’t drink from a toilet. So I took the furthest seat away, clutching Benadryl, just in case.

That strategy worked fine and I miraculously arrived at my destination four hours later without bloodshot eyes and a runny nose. I got my luggage, rented a car and negotiated the busy highways around Los Angeles for about an hour before arriving at my hotel. Weary from the trip, I checked in, got my key and headed up the elevator to my room. When the doors opened, I started to exit, only to feel a presence in my path. So I excused myself … to a dog.

When I finally got around the dog and to my room, I checked my Twitter feed to see what I had missed back home. I was surprised to learn that the minor league baseball team in my hometown was hosting a night for some very important visitors … dogs. (I bet you don’t have much chance of beating a Labrador retriever to a foul ball).

It was then that it hit me. Dogs lead pretty rich lives these days, compared to my pet goldfish. They are flying, staying in hotels and attending baseball games. I liked it better when they stayed in their own backyards. But I guess I’m doggone old fashioned.